l o v e . l i v e . t r a v e l. e a t. p r a i s e.

I’ve got to do this alone, but I can’t do it alone

She bursts through her door, slams it and skids across her bed, tears running down her cheeks. Where to go from here? Who to talk to about this? She has an idea. She picks up her phone, the screen blurry through her tears. She let’s her thoughts and emotions do the typing…

I’m trying to fall out of love with you. Here are some things I need you to do to help with this:

  1. Don’t say cute things, especially which involve the plural pronoun ‘us’. You saying cute things makes me remember how it used to be and reminds me that it has all changed. This in turn provokes a night of snot, running mascara and Taylor Swift ballads.
  2. Don’t get really close to me when you want to speak to me. You can’t lean in and put your face near mine as if you’re going to kiss me… unless you’re actually going to kiss me.
  3. When talking about your girlfriend, don’t call her ‘my girlfriend’. She has a name. Call her by her name. Calling her by her name makes me realise how real she actually is. She is a real girl with real feelings, just like me. This makes it easier not to covet or dream of stealing you away from her because if the roles were reversed, I would think she was pure evil.
  4. Don’t ignore me. Ignoring me just makes me feel worse about the whole situation. It makes me feel awkward because I feel like I can’t always be initiating communication or else you will think I’m weirdly obsessed with you and you’ll want to avoid me forever. Just be a normal friend and say hi.
  5. Don’t remember stuff we talked about ages ago. This one probably doesn’t need to be said, as you forget about most things I’ve said to you within the following five minutes, but the things you do remember, don’t talk about. I’d prefer to think that you don’t remember things I’ve told you about myself and my life, otherwise it feels like I maybe meant something to you once.
  6. Don’t touch me. That sounds weird, but I don’t mean it in a weird way. Just the casual elbow, brush past, hand on shoulder, lingering hug, lean into etc. I know you mean nothing by it, but trust me, for a girl that is a major setback in trying to get over someone. If you wouldn’t do it in front of your girlfriend, don’t do it all.

I know this all sounds very demanding and like I’m asking a lot. But I’m not deliberately doing it. It is just really hard for me. I want to be your friend. I want you in my life. I want you to care for me, even if it’s not in the way I want deep down. I sometimes just need reminding of reality. I need to know how to have you in my life without being able to hold you. I need to learn how to love you as my friend and not as any more than that. I need reminding that there won’t be a time when I will be the one you’ll come home to or share secrets with about yourself that you’ve never told anyone.

I can’t bake you your favourite dessert when you need cheering up. I can’t bring you soup when you’re sick. I can’t embrace you when you’ve had the worst day. I can’t mend your favourite jeans when you’ve insisted on playing basketball in them. I can’t hold your hand when you’re going through a tough time. I can’t dance with you when you’re happy. I can’t laugh with you when you find absolutely everything funny. I can’t cook you dinner when there’s not much food in the house and you have no idea what to do. I can’t buy you spontaneous, thoughtful gifts, just because. I can’t do these things because you have chosen someone else to do them for you. And that’s okay. I just need a little bit of help in remembering this and trying to stop wishing I was the one you’d chosen.

Her finger hovers over the send button. She draws a deep breath, then sighs as she takes her hand away from the screen. She walks away.


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This entry was posted on September 14, 2013 by in Love, Singles, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .


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